The Ottawa Family
Forum Services is a ministry to men experiencing separation, divorce, and
child custody challenges. |À Through
its bi-weekly support group meetings you get to meet real people with similar
experiences like yourself, and you are encouraged and listened to non-judgmentally.
MDSSC also provides counselling and lawyer referral services as well as seminars
of interest to its participants. |À Meetings are held in Ottawa on the second and fourth Tuesday
of the month from 7:00-9:00 PM at 440 Albert Street(at Bay), suite 123B(East Wing).
Free-will offerings are received at each meeting. Women are welcome. To participate
in the Ottawa Family Forum Services meetings or to find out about volunteering
and financial support please call 613-236-3965 or visit us at www.gracecanada.ca
.
Issue Sheet 1: Conflict, Abuse and Violence - Family
Forum Ottawa
Compiled
by Glenn Cheriton, GRACE Canada volunteer for Family Forum: March 2002-February 2003
Conflict, abuse and family violence problems and accusations can come up in divorce and separation. There is great difference of opinion and procedures to deal with these. This sheet aims to help you understand what is going on and to deal with this in a responsible, effective way.
A few definitions:
Conflict: There is conflict in virtually every divorce (and in every marriage or relationship) Conflict, provided it does not escalate to abuse or violence, is normal and healthy. Kids need to be taught by experience and example how to deal with conflict. Living in a democratic country means we must deal with conflicts between political parties, conflicts between cultures and languages. Those who react to normal conflicts by resorting to violence, use of police or courts as proxies and false accusations often feel powerless and abused. Normal conflict is any dispute or disagreement between people or with organizations which is not abusive or violent. In the absence of unbiased, effective dispute mechanisms, conflicts are more likely to escalate into abuse or violence.
Abuse: Abuse is an act or acts which go beyond conflict into unfair exploitation, misuse of trust, and breaches of a person’s rights. Abuse is crushing the healthy spirit of another. Fundamentally all abuse is abuse of power. There is no standard definition of abuse, but here are three categories of abuse:
Physical Abuse: applying unreasonable force beyond the agreement of the concerned person.
Sexual Abuse: coerced sexual activity, injury or exploitation beyond the uncoerced agreement of the person.
Emotional and other Abuse: Neglect, verbal and psychological abuse, financial abuse, harassment, stalking, proxy abuse, parental alienation, Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy, and many others.
The Golden Rule is to treat others as you would be treated; abuse can be thought of as mistreating others as you would not want to be treated yourself.
Note that certain feminist ideological groups have defined abuse in circular ways: i.e. Whatever she feels is abusive, not fulfilling all her financial wants, using male privilege, not changing to meet her wishes, associating with “the Patriarchy” or other men, or women, etc. Unfortunately, these biased definitions, often expressed as one-sided lists, have influenced Canadian police, courts and governments to one-sided enforcement. Thus, many women who are abusive or make false accusations believe that they are being abused, according to these definitions.
Violence: Physical abuse which falls under the definition of a criminal act, i.e. physical force or illegal threat of force, especially with serious impact or injury to the person.
Within these categories acts can range from debatable (is nagging abuse?) to very severe (e.g. murder).
Statistics on Domestic Violence:
Every study of spousal violence where the same questions were asked of both genders shows approximately equal rates of perpetrators and victims at most levels of violence.
Most child abuse studies show that a higher percentage of child neglect, physical abuse, and emotional abuse is done by women, and higher rates of sexual abuse by men. Kids of greatest risk of death from abuse are boys 0-1 years old. Children are statistically at greater risk from mother’s boyfriends, acquaintances, and stepfathers than natural fathers. Statistics in this area have become highly ideological, misused, exaggerated or fabricated by advocates and vested interests. For example, rates of charges, convictions, and sentences are wildly different for men and women: In the legal system this is called a “female discount”.
Child abuse: all professionals (doctors, child care workers, nurses, police, etc) are supposed to report any indication that a child might be abused.
Spousal Violence, Police and criminal prosecution: Police investigate calls, the crown prosecutor decides about laying charges, and the judge (or jury) decides guilt. In theory the law on domestic violence is unbiased, but in practice, police often charge men on virtually any accusation, the crown prosecutor almost never drops charges and judges convict on little or no evidence. Much of the procedure seems aimed at coercing men into guilty pleas, often with misleading promises.
Frequently Asked Questions:
1. I am facing criminal charges of abuse – what should I do?
You need a lawyer. See also our sheet on false accusations.
2. Can abuse or violence be mutual?
Yes, in fact, studies by Strauss and others show about ½ of spousal abuse is mutual, with another 25% exclusively man only, and 25% exclusively woman only.
3. What can I do if my child is being abused and the professionals
won’t act?
Document the abuse (pictures, show a doctor, fax evidence to the Children’s Aid Society.) Enlist other professionals. Never give up.
Issue Sheet 3: Law, custody and alternatives - Canadian
Council for Co-Parenting Ottawa
For more information on the Canadian Council for Co-parenting, please call: 613-729-1106
Divorce is federal jurisdiction, while common law unions (and their break-up) are provincial responsibility. Both parts of civil law fall under provincially-administered courts, with federally appointed judges. In most cases, differences in procedure or treatment is minor, especially if there are children. There are significant differences between Civil law in Quebec and the rest of Canada. Divorce is not just a legal matter, and you may find yourself dealing with accountants, psychologists, social workers, police, mediators and so on. If there are no children involved, and you agree on division of property, you may be able to use a kit or draw up your own agreement, although we suggest getting a lawyer to file it.
Existing Legal & Court Terms:
Custody: often equivalent to sole custody, is the (sole?) right to make decisions about the children
Access: the right to see & spend time with children.
Joint Custody: a legal agreement where both parents share responsibilities for their children. (In practice can vary widely with jurisdiction.)
Joint Physical custody: a legal agreement for children to reside with both parents. (agreement details can vary widely also.)
Assessment: a report to the court, often by a psychologist or social worker, with an opinion of the parenting ability of one or both parents.
Supervised Access: court-ordered requirement not to see children except at places and times controlled by a court-recognized agency, paid by the parent.
Some Options:
As traditional legal arrangements and procedures have often proven costly, adversarial, and not in the interests of parents and children, many parents (and a few enlightened professionals) have worked out alternative arrangements and methods:
Shared custody: both parents share responsibilities for children after separation
Co-parenting: both parents keep the rights and responsibilities they had before separation. The four axioms of co-parenting are:
1. Children get to keep their mothers and fathers.
2. Shared parenting generally benefits kids, parents and society
3. Shared parenting reverses the adversarial presumption of a fight for custody, into a rebuttable presumption that both parents are fit, thus reducing conflict
4. Parenting rights and responsibilities of both mothers & fathers continue when a marriage ends.
Parallel Parenting: each parent has decision-making authority on issues while the child is with them. A key is minimizing conflicts and perhaps contacts between parents.
Mediation: parents meet with an mediator, ideally a skilled, impartial specialist, who helps them resolve areas of conflict and design their own custody/access or shared parenting arrangements. Comprehensive mediation deals with parenting, financial and other issues. Closed mediation means that parties agree that statements made cannot be used in court. At the conclusion of mediation, the mediator can provide a letter containing only the terms of the resolved issues and outstanding issues.
Arbitration: Referral of an issue to an agree 3rd party-- an option when the parents have specific issues (e.g., choice of school) but are having difficulty choosing among several plans for the children. In binding arbitration, parents agree to be bound by an arbitrator's decision. In advisory arbitration, (rather misses the point, in our opinion) the parents agree to consider the arbitrator’s recommendation.
Collaborative law: (CL) is a way of practicing law in which attorneys for both parents agree to resolve conflict using cooperative strategies rather than adversarial techniques and litigation. One technique is "four-way" settlement conferences. (You, your CL lawyer, your ex- and CL lawyer)
Advantages: generally less costly and time-consuming than litigation; can produce less anxiety than court proceedings; can create a "win-win" climate;. can be less time consuming --no need waiting for a court date; separating parents can feel more in control of proceedings, rather than controlled by courts.
Disadvantages: if CL doesn’t work, you have to go out and hire other lawyers. CL still works “in the shadow of the law” and can still reflect the biases of court judgments. CL can be sabotaged by a truly recalcitrant ex-partner.
Issue Sheet 4: Choose & manage a lawyer - Canadian
Council for Co-Parenting Ottawa
For more information on the Canadian Council for Co-parenting, please call: 613-729-1106
Summary: Hiring or replacing a lawyer is your responsibility. Plan for tough financial and legal strategy decisions. Educate yourself from authoritative sources. Build a support team and manage your legal case.
Cost: Few people making average, or even generous wages can afford legal costs of $250 per hour over any significant period. Divorce often forces financially responsible people into bankruptcy. Child support arrears are not removed by bankruptcy, plus additional liabilities for your legal costs (and often hers) can block your ability to borrow, run a business or earn a living. It is common to feel that you have lost control of your finances. Nevertheless, we suggest you plan for the uncontrollable, minimize provocation, maximize communication, and always show up.
Junior or hungry lawyer: $75-150/hour
Average Family law lawyer: (4-10 years experience) $175 to $250 per hour
Very experienced specialist; $300/hr and up
How much can you afford?
A basic divorce, with no children and little property, where you have drawn out an agreement in advance might cost $500 to $1500. The average divorce with kids where there is basic agreement on issues might cost each of you $5000 If you have significant disagreements on custody, access or support, each motion to the court can easily cost $5000.
Even moderately conflicted cases can strip all of the assets from moderately wealthy parents, and many lawyers can entice a vengeful or gullible client into years of legal wrangling, false accusations and legal abuse, while frustrating your opportunity to respond in court. These dishonest legal tactics are used to provoke you, to gain advantage in a financial settlement, to enhance legal fees or by ideologically motivated lawyers promoting stereotypes of roles of mothers and fathers.
Make a financial plan: average your last three years’ income, cost out basic living expenses for a single parent for the time you want to have your kids, and child support (tables are on Justice Canada’s website). Cost out three scenarios; sole custody for you, your ex-, and shared custody. Calculate your borrowing ability and assets. Keep revising this plan as your case goes forward. Decide on what legal costs you can afford and for how long. Decide your priorities. If you can communicate with your ex-, try to plan together.
Finding a lawyer:
If you can work issues out with your ex- before hiring a lawyer, do so, but be scrupulously fair --don’t try to take advantage or a spouse, as it will backfire and create suspicion. Create a one page summary of your case. A list of lawyers are in the yellow pages. If your case is conflicted, you may want a family law specialist. Call a select few and state you are looking to hire a lawyer for a family law case. Ask the rate and if they are accepting new clients. If you feel you might be able to work together, ask if you can fax over the one page summary and schedule a half hour meeting with the lawyer (usually free) to help you decide. Meet with three or so lawyers, choose one and conclude an agreement. Lawyers are negotiators or litigators… consider a good negotiator with a partner who’s a crackerjack litigator.
What you should expect from a lawyer:
A clear statement of fees, retainer and who is actually doing the work (in a multi-lawyer firm.)
To return calls promptly, to show up for meetings and court. Your lawyer is not a therapist, or a parenting advisor, or a support group. Don’t waste his or her time. Keep it business-like.
Your Support Team:
Parents, Shared parenting support group, pastor, minister, priest, rabbi, … a trusted friend, sibling—this support team can listen to your frustrations and stress far cheaper, but avoid too much dumping on one person.
The “No surprises” approach:
Make it clear that you expect to be kept informed of legal developments and that you will not do anything affecting the case without informing your lawyer. Make it clear that you expect no surprises from him or her: timely information on offers or actions of the other side, proposed actions for your legal strategy, risks and costs.
Manage Your Lawyer:
Often it is not enough to tell your lawyer verbally; you have to manage the relationship. If you are not getting what you want, put in writing your understanding of any meeting or phone call and fax it to his office. Make sure the point is clear: what you expect to be done, when it is to be done by, and that you expect a written response, including why, if this is not possible for any reason. Don’t threaten, but keep it polite and business-like. Keep copies of all important documents in a binder, by date. Take this binder with you, so the lawyer sees you using it.
If you feel your lawyer overcharges:
Get a detailed bill and ask to discuss it with the lawyer. Negotiate. If you still feel it is unfair, you can ask the Court “Master” to “tax” (review) the bill.
Acting as your own lawyer: This is highly risky, as you are up against experienced professionals and you are emotionally involved. You should only consider this as a last resort, if you are very stable, can think on your feet, have the time and ability to learn prodigious amounts and can write and think very carefully.
Issue Sheet 5: Documenting
Your Case—Canadian Council for Co-Parenting Ottawa
For
more information on the Canadian Council for Co-parenting,
please call: 613-729-1106
If you get involved in a highly conflicted case, consider documenting your actions and those of your ex-, lawyers, etc. Here is why:
• Documenting events help you remember exact dates and details (you may be able to refer to these details in court)
• If your ex- sees you recording these events, it may encourage a more co-operative approach
• recording events in writing can be a calming alternative to letting provocations get you upset.
• It helps to be organized so you don’t waste your lawyer’s time (and your money), to encourage your lawyer to effectively represent you, and make it easier to change lawyers if you get bad representation.
Suggestions on how to document your case:
Pocket Agenda: keep it with you at all times, with a pen (not a pencil), or
Loose-leaf binder: keep copies of court orders, motions, letters from doctors, police reports, etc.
All materials should be dated and preferably kept in order by date.
Always keep these materials with you and do not let your ex- take this, even for a second, although it does not hurt that if your ex sees you recording events.
Record access visits, when you arrived, delays, problems or reasons for access denial.
Tape recording: Generally phone recordings may not be admissible in court, but they can be useful. You must be organized: date and initial each original tape or copy from voice mail recording. Again, recording may be more useful in toning down provocations than as evidence at trial. (Besides, very few cases go to trial, because of cost and risk). We recommend something integrated with your phone/voice mail, or for non phone use, a small, voice activated quality model, with a good, small external microphone. (It is surprisingly difficult to record intelligible voice from something in your pocket – do a few tests and don’t go or a really cheap model.)
Legal Papers:
You should keep a copy of all legal papers relating to your separation or divorce. Ideally, keep originals in a secure place with a copy of key items in your loose-leaf binder. Include any letter you send to your lawyer with instructions on what to do, dates of any calls to your lawyer, calls with your ex-, what was discussed, verbal agreements (follow these up by putting it in writing), mediator documents, psychologist or other professional reports, character references from friends, etc.
Recording your Parenting Activities and Plan:
Document your volunteer work at your child's school, sports events, lessons or activities. Have a parenting plan for tutoring, nutrition, clothing and activities/hobbies.
Record your involvement in parenting classes or parent support groups dealing with any special situations your child is facing or problems your child may have.
“Plan your parenting and then work your plan”.
What to record, what not to record
Record dates, times, locations, exact quotations, actions, facts and what you have seen, done or what you see others do. Avoid recording what others say someone did, or your opinion about what your ex- is thinking, motivations, or impressions of what is going on in peoples’ minds. If your kids seem afraid, you can ask them, “are you feeling afraid or not?” If yes, then you may ask what they are afraid of, and record this, but avoid leading or repeated questioning.
Issue Sheet 6: Coping with your ex-wife & parent
empowerment -- Canadian Council for Co-Parenting
For
more information on the Canadian Council for
Co-parenting, please call: 613-729-1106
Note on language: This issue sheet refers to your ex- as female, so is primarily targeted to separated men. Ccc aims to develop and test a similar, but modified sheet targeted to separated women. Both men and women are invited to read, reverse the genders as appropriate, and provide feedback. Not all points may apply to you or your ex-: you must take responsibility for your own relationship, select modify, or discard these tactics according to the characteristics or extremity of your case.
Steps to Coping with a highly conflicted separation relationship.
1. Accept that the relationship is over: she is no longer yours to rescue or control.
2. Focus on your kids: work on the relationship with your children – but cope with your ex- for their sake.
3. Understand that her fears and insecurities are what drives her behaviour and that you must control your actions if you hope to earn respect and gain influence.
4. Accept that few men succeed by “proving” an ex- is crazy, unstable, a bad mother, alcoholic, etc., but many succeed in shared parenting by being stable, unprovokable and respectful (and by giving her enough rope to hang herself).
5. Always show up, answer accusations, but don’t respond with wild accusations against her…
6. Stick with it and be patient: many, but not all highly conflicted separations improve with time.
7. Understand your role in the dysfunctional relationship. Nothing is more common than repeating the same script in a new relationship. You may have learning and changing to do to get ready for a healthy new relationship. It is hard, uncomfortable but necessary to look at your part of the dance, to abandon victimhood for growing to be the responsible parent your kids deserve.
ACCEPTANCE: Men typically retain strong love feelings for an ex- which makes it difficult to make new, healthy relationships. Work on acceptance, respect, distance, to replace romantic idealizations, hatred, or anger.
CHILD-FOCUS: Men typically focus more on parenting and children after separation, thinking, rightly, they have found what is truly important in their lives (kids, not money or career or sex)
UNDERSTANDING: Her past behaviour is the key predictor of her future behaviour You may be in a better position than anyone to understand what motivates your ex-. Consider her relations with her family, brothers and sisters, a previous ex-, bosses, etc. Does she carry grudges?
Confidence: act like a responsible, influential parent, even if you don’t feel like one. Your kids want to believe you have the situation under control, even if you don’t feel that. Act confident that you and your ex- can work this out; your kids will feel less blame for the failure of the marriage.
You can, with great effort and difficulty, change yourself. You can’t, generally, make fundamental change in other adults, but you can influence their behaviour.
Out of Control: Feeling your life, finances, court case, etc is out of control? That’s normal, and is probably realistic.